Friday, November 8, 2013

You know you're a parent when...

  1. you tell your child to go into time-out...and you really wish it were you going to time-out.
  2. you get in the car for your hot weekend date and your pants are covered in snot residue.
  3. you know all of the stuffed animals' names and you call them by their names even when the kids aren't around.
  4. silence isn't always a good thing.
  5. you've picked someone's nose for them.
  6. your eyes are pried open at 5 am and you hear, "Are you awake?"
  7. you go to work for a break.
  8. "take a shower" is on your to-do list.
  9. when you do take a shower, it's like an Olympic sport: you leap over things to get in, you have fans calling your name, and you're pressured to finish in record time.
  10. you realize that you can do just about anything with one hand.
  11. you've spent time investigating the contents of a diaper and you're not doing forensic research for a crack team of investigators.
  12. you're perfectly accustomed to discussing poop and you're not a 7-year-old.
  13. it takes longer to get the kids into the car than it does to run the actual errand.
  14. "Christmas excitement" has a whole new meaning.
  15. when something is missing, you immediately check all locations under 1.5 feet in height.
  16. you walk toward the laundry room feeling confident because you finished it all yesterday...just to open the door and find 9 more loads waiting out of nowhere.
  17. you have to stop yourself from saying fighted, eated, and breaked.
  18. you talk finances and you next 4 paychecks are spoken for.
  19. you find legos in your bed.
  20. when selecting furniture, you pick the one that will endure an apocalypse.
  21. you surrender the remote control during the NFL draft.
  22. you've never prayed for anything else more than you prayed for a full night's sleep.
  23. you realize that your child has left the room and you've just been sitting there watching Sesame Street alone for the last 15 minutes.
  24. you're in bed with your eyes closed and you've fought too hard for this that you're not opening your eyes, even if it means letting someone walk on your rib cage, step on your head, pluck your hair out, and block your airways.
  25. on that note, you don't find it the least bit unusual to wake up with a foot in your face or a bum on your head.
  26. you only have time to shave one leg.
  27. you can't remember eating a meal when it was still hot.
  28. going to the bathroom without interruption is the best alone time you could ask for.
  29. you need a vacation after your family vacation.
  30. going to the grocery store alone is a vacation.
  31. you take lip from a 2 1/2 foot little dictator.
  32. you've swatted blindly into the back of a car, hoping to connect with a kid.
  33. "I'm NOT going to ask you again!" ...That's not true. Yes, I will. Probably 50 more times.
  34. First child eats dirt: you call the doctor --- Second child eats dirt: you scrape it out of his mouth --- Third child eats dirt: you wonder if you need to feed her lunch.
  35. your slipper is taken off and shoved into your face while you (continue to) have breakfast.
  36. losing a favorite stuffy is a nightmare. I apologize, bad choice of words. Losing a favorite stuffy is a nuclear holocaust.
  37. you know that anyone who cheerfully says "I slept like a baby" probably doesn't have one...
  38. ...the same applies to those who say "that was as easy as taking candy from a baby!"
  39. you know that children who go to bed early, get up early...and children who go to bed late, get up early!
  40. you know that without your children, your house would be clean, your wallet would be full, but your heart would be empty.

Special thanks to:
Robyn Bailey Uhlstein
Bethany Teeples
Kjerstin Evans Ballard
Steven Davies
Brittani Dalton Martin
Carlota Hansen
Jon Pulsipher
Icie Graff

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